|me and my main man Harry Winston kayaking in the harbor|
1. Wow, you are such a catch! I can't believe you are single.
You think this is nice to say but what you are really thinking is, man, I wonder what's wrong with her that she is still single? You know, being single isn't always a consequence, sometimes it's a choice! I don't have to have someone else in my life to make it feel complete.
2. I know why you are single... you're too picky.
Awesome, because the last time you were single, 98 Degrees was still a band and the only social media site was MySpace you are now an expert in dating. I am sorry that you married someone you actually can't stand because you were afraid of being alone. I shouldn't have to settle for someone who isn't right for me.
3. You're too picky - Part II
I understand that the my dating "criteria" sounds a little outlandish but all the things that I am looking for and what will or will not put up with are on that list for a reason... experience. Having been single for almost a decade I have a pretty good idea of what I am looking for. I know what things will be deal breakers i.e. can't throw a baseball [seriously, what guy doesn't know how to throw a ball?? After I saw that I lost all attraction!] and I know what is important for me to be happy in a relationship. No one is perfect, I know I am not but Good God, stop telling me that should change what I am looking for... I have to date the guy - not you!
4. At Least you aren't divorced.
Um, what the heck does that even mean? Being single is hard - whether you have been divorced or not. And what if I was divorced? That doesn't mean I couldn't find someone else again. Seriously, this doesn't even make sense. Stop saying it.
5. I have a friend who is single... let me set you up.
If the only thing characteristic that two people needed to hit it off was the fact that we are both single then no one would be single. That's nice that you think your co-worker's brother is single, but what else do you know about him? I don't mind a set up but think it through before you make me go through all the hoops of a first date. I am not here for your entertainment.
6. I am living my life vicariously through you.
I am sorry that you think your life is boring. Maybe it is. Do something about it. I repeat, I am not here for your entertainment. Especially when I know that you get more enjoyment about listening to my crazy dating stories with guys that didn't work out versus a date that actually goes well? And you know, sometimes, I don't feel like rehashing ever detail of a date gone wrong. Nor do I want to hear your unsolicited advice on what I should do next... when was the last time you had to wait three days to see if a guy was going to call or had to read between the lines on text messages to figure out if you just got put in the friend zone or not?
7. You should try new things.
Um, either you do not read my blog or don't really know me. I work 70 hours a week, I am in charge of a dog, I do charity work, I go to the gym, I go out and I also am the only person that manages my household. Just because I don't have a toddler on my hip doesn't mean I have all this extra free time that you think I have. Trust me, I am doing what I can to "get out there."
8. I could never do it, but what about online dating?
Cool, so you would be too good for online dating, or perhaps, wouldn't need it but I should?! Again, you haven't been single since 2005, the world has changed - you don't know what you would do!
9. I don't know how you do it?
Yes, it's amazing how self sufficent one can be when they live alone and don't have someone else to fix a leaking faucet or take the dog out in the morning when you are running late. Oh, and no I don't get scared sleeping in my house alone. WTH? Come on y'all, once upon a time you lived on your own and managed to take care of yourself just fine - you can handle spending the night alone when your husband is out of town on business.
10. It will happen when you least expect it.
The more you say that, the more I will expect it to be true. So now, now every time I go to the grocery or stand in line at the Apple store I have to look my best because I am expecting to meet "the one" in the most unlikely, unsuspecting places. It's a cliche and it's dumb and us singletons are tired of hearing it.
Advice: If you have single friends just be supportive. Don't try and diagnose their "problem" of why they are still single. If they ask for your advice then give it. And just because you can't imagine being alone doesn't mean it's bad or that they must be miserable - some of us like our freedom! Lastly, if you know someone who is actually single AND actually have things in common with your singleton friend then help a girl out!